"I love my kids, but..."

I loved this article by Susan Lapin, where the author asserts that if we are to believe TV shows (like Parenthood) and movies (like Way, Way Back) "the right to sexual activity is more sacred than the ties between even mothers and children."

When Loving Children Isn't Enough 

My husband and I flew home from Dallas a short while ago after a week filled with appearances, including our multi-day presentation on marriage and money... I had never heard of the movie being shown, Way, Way Back, but watching it seemed a good way to ignore my narrow-seated reality.
Instead, it made me realize a new reality of today’s world. The movie, described as a “poignant coming of age” film, featured a number of adolescents. All of them ... had parents who put themselves ahead of their children. The kids were sad and troubled—not because growing up is challenging—but because of their parents’ self-centered choices. These were not abusive parents. They seemed the type of mothers and fathers who might well make the statement, “I’d throw myself under a bus for my kid.” While, they might choose their child’s life over their own if confronted by such a dilemma, what they would not sacrifice was their own sex life.
If this movie reflects reality at all, today, the right to sexual activity is more sacred than the ties between even mothers and children. Each of the teenagers in the movie felt rejected by one parent and ignored by the other as the adults who were supposed to love them put their own search for new relationships ahead of their children.
The strangest thing was that these parents seemed utterly unaware that this narcissism was causing deep damage. ...
[Take] the character of Sarah Braverman in the popular show Parenthood. Played by Lauren Graham, she is attractive and funny, and her love for her children shines through. Yet, after marrying poorly, thus providing them with an alcoholic, irresponsible father, she repeatedly hurts her children as her personal life takes priority over them. She is incapable of ignoring the pull of affection and sex, leading her, for example, to sleep with her daughter’s high school teacher and to uproot her son and move him to her fiancé’s apartment (though the sexual tug to her boss will end that relationship). Somehow, Sarah’s desperate desire to be a good mother ends at the point that she might actually choose sexual and emotional celibacy for herself to protect her children.
The show doesn’t gloss over the damage to the children, including an alcoholic car wreck involving her daughter and her son’s excruciating emotional pain. Both these results directly stem from their mother’s actions. Yet, none of the other adults in her life force her to acknowledge the disconnect between her maternal feelings and her selfish behavior. Is it possible that the adults and teenagers watching the show also don’t see that this woman needs to tell herself that her role as mother means she must carefully weigh up the call of that part of her own life against her children’s best interests until they become healthy adults?
There certainly would be damage as well if the relationships shown in the above shows were chaste. The message to the child would still be, “I come first.” Nevertheless, it is clear in the above situations, the inability to master sexual urges or the lack of understanding that having dinner with someone is quite different from sleeping with them, propels relationships more quickly and less thoughtfully.
...Have we truly reached the point in society where we have bought into the message that as long as you are protected from pregnancy and STDs, sex can cause no harm? Have we seriously elevated the right to sexual activity above our obligations to love, protect and cherish our young?
The movie on the plane ... left me amazed at reviews that cited funny lines or heart-tugging scenes but left unmentioned the appalling cruelty by parents living in a society that celebrates social mores that inflict cruel and unusual punishments on our children. --Susan Lapin

The need for strong fathers

Lehi's vision of the Tree of Life is one of our favorite parts of the Book of Mormon.
After eating the fruit of the tree, Lehi calls with a loud voice to his family to come partake also. Maybe for a moment we can focus not on Laman and Lemuel's refusal, but on their father's invitation. This is what we ought to do as parents, lead the way “with a loud voice,” not hesitantly or half-heartedly.  Lehi provides a good example of a father who cares about the welfare of his children, one who is aware of their behavior and personalities and is willing to lead and teach with strength. He knows their potential and guides them accordingly. Fathers like this are so needed in the world today.
By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families.

Elder D. Todd Christofferson gave a talk in October 2012 General Conference entitled “Brethren, We Have Work to Do.” He said, “As men of the priesthood, we have an essential role to play in society, at home, and in the Church. But we must be men that women can trust, that children can trust, and that God can trust. In the Church and kingdom of God in these latter days, we cannot afford to have boys and men who are drifting. . . .We cannot afford husbands and fathers who fail to provide spiritual leadership in the home. We cannot afford to have those who exercise the Holy Priesthood, after the Order of the Son of God, waste their strength in pornography or spend their lives in cyberspace (ironically being of the world while not being in the world). Brethren, we have work to do.”

We've seen some excellent resources lately that have helped us see the powerful role fathers should play:
1. Meaningful Teaching at Home, an article in the January 2013 Ensign;
2. Courageous movie (big fans of this Christian movie about being exemplary fathers, by Alex Kendrick);
3. Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters by Dr. Meg Meeker. This outstanding book is summarized below in an LDS Living article and shows how a father’s relationship can have an especially significant impact on his daughter’s life:

"We’ve all seen the sitcoms, movies, and television commercials that portray fathers as inept creatures bumbling through family life. In a culture where dads are often portrayed as the dunces of the family, researchers are only beginning to scratch the surface of just how important their role in the family truly is.
"Dr. Meg Meeker cautions, 'The biggest mistake dads make is not understanding their significance.' Without question, fathers are a powerful influence on both sons and daughters—an influence that reaches well beyond the roles of provider and protector. As studies emerge, it’s becoming clearer just how deeply the father-daughter relationship can affect a woman throughout her life in a variety of ways:
1. Self-Confidence – 'Dads give their daughters a sense of strength and a huge amount of self-confidence. From a daughter’s perspective, Mom is usually the safe person who will love them no matter what. Dad’s love is a little more negotiable, so when she does feel she’s getting his attention, it gives her a great sense of confidence, which translates into feeling good about herself and feeling in control of her life.'
2. Body Image – Research has proven that fathers who are involved in their daughters’ lives can play a pivotal role in preventing eating disorders such as anorexia and bulimia. Daughters who feel a stronger emotional connection to their fathers are less likely to be depressed or have an eating disorder. Studies also show that girls recovered from eating disorders more quickly if their fathers were involved in their recovery. 
3. Education – A government study concluded that girls with involved fathers are twice as likely to stay in school. And those with fathers who are actively involved in their lives have higher quantitative and verbal skills, as well as higher intellectual functioning.
4. Career – Fathers have been proven to help daughters become more competent, more achievement-oriented, and more successful. In an article published by Psychology Today in 2011, Dr. Peggy Drexler observed: 'The conveyor that once reliably delivered daughters from the protection of a father to the protection of a husband is not reliable. . . . As a result, fathers who might have once defined their role as helping daughters prepare to be good wives now see it as preparing them to make and manage money, compete for jobs, handle relationships, be tough.' She continued, 'We are entering an awkward stage where a generation of stay-at-home mothers must find ways to relate to career-minded daughters, who by shared experience alone may gravitate to Dad.'
5. Romantic Relationships – 'It's uncomfortable for most dads when their daughters start to become women,' acknowledges Dr. Jonathan Swinton, a marriage and family therapist. 'Dads become more hands off, with the exception of the protector role, and it changes the nature of the relationship with their daughters—they’re not as close emotionally.' But distancing themselves emotionally is a huge mistake, warns Meeker. “That’s the time when daughters need their dads more than ever. Fathers need to talk to their girls about uncomfortable subjects like sex and dating because they can have a huge influence on their daughters’ behavior.” She recommends that fathers take their daughters on 'mini dates.' 'Take her to dinner and spend one-on-one time with her. . .You can show her how she can expect to be treated.'
"Above all else, be the kind of man you want your daughter to marry. 'Women gravitate to what is familiar,' says Meeker. 'How you treat your daughter and your wife is how she will expect to be treated by her spouse.'"

Sister Elaine Dalton, Young Women general president has addressed the father-daughter relationship: 
"How can a father raise a happy, well-adjusted daughter in today’s increasingly toxic world? The answer has been taught by the Lord’s prophets. It is a simple answer, and it is true—'The most important thing a father can do for his [daughter] is to love [her] mother.' By the way you love her mother, you will teach your daughter about tenderness, loyalty, respect, compassion, and devotion. She will learn from your example what to expect from young men and what qualities to seek in a future spouse. You can show your daughter by the way you love and honor your wife that she should never settle for less. Your example will teach your daughter to value womanhood. You are showing her that she is a daughter of our Heavenly Father, who loves her."

As a father of three daughters, Doug said that to him, "it is deeply satisfying and thrilling for a father to have an obedient, happy, capable daughter. A man wants to be his best when he has good women, good daughters in the home."

Just after his wife died, President Gordon B. Hinckley said, “As a father, do I love my daughters less than I love my sons? No. If I am guilty of any imbalance, it is in favor of my girls. I have said that when a man gets old he had better have daughters about him. They are so kind and good and thoughtful. I think I can say that my sons are able and wise. My daughters are clever and kind. And “my cup runneth over” (Ps. 23:5) because of this. How thankful I am, how thankful we all must be, for the women in our lives. God bless them. May His great love distill upon them and crown them with luster and beauty, grace and faith. And may His Spirit distill upon us as men and lead us ever to hold them in respect, in gratitude, giving encouragement, strength, nurture, and love, which is the very essence of the gospel of our Redeemer and Lord."

Me and my dad, 1976-ish

Parenting, pt. 2

The first post established our responsibility in parenting and, as President Eyring acknowledged, "it sets a high hurdle for us to clear." The proclamation also includes a strong warning:

We warn that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God. Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamites foretold by ancient and modern prophets.

Child abuse is an awful subject, but since it’s mentioned in the proclamation, we need to address it. Elder Dallin H. Oaks gave a talk entitled "Protect the Children" in October 2012 General Conference:
“We are all under the Savior’s command to love and care for each other and especially for the weak and defenseless. Children are highly vulnerable. They have little or no power to protect or provide for themselves and little influence on so much that is vital to their well-being. Children need others to speak for them, and they need decision makers who put their well-being ahead of selfish adult interests.”

In the January 12, 2012 edition of The Economist, there’s an article titled “Marriage in America: The Fraying Knot” about the nation’s decreasing marriage rate and soaring out-of-wedlock birth rate. A dozen couples took part in a workshop run by an Oklahoma initiative that helps build and sustain marriages; all of the couples were new or expectant parents, and none of them married. The study concluded: “If marriage affected only the two people who choose (or not) to wed, it would be easier to ignore falling marriage rates. But with them come rising out-of-wedlock birth rates. In 2010, 40.8% of all births were to unmarried mothers. 
“With illegitimate births come single-parent homes, in which 35% of all American children lived in 2011. Children brought up in such homes fare worse than children raised by married parents over a range of academic and emotional outcomes, from adolescent delinquency to dropping out of school. The poverty rate among single-parent, female-headed families is over five times that of married, two-parent families.” 

Elder Oaks also addresses the abortion issue: “From the perspective of the plan of salvation, one of the most serious abuses of children is to deny them birth. This is a worldwide trend. The national birthrate in the United States is the lowest in 25 years, and the birthrates in most European and Asian countries have been below replacement levels for many years. This is not just a religious issue. As rising generations diminish in numbers, cultures and even nations are hollowed out and eventually disappear." 

[For examples of two people in the media with pro-abortion positions, see MSNBC host Toure referring to abortion as a “safety net” (and thanks God for it),  when having a child would have been inconvenient for him; and Mary Elizabeth Williams, commentator and writer with the online magazine Salon’s article “So What if Abortion Ends Life?”] 

When these types of attitudes are accepted and applauded in the world today, it is truly time for people of faith to take a stand to protect children, marriages, and families. 

Elder Neal A. Maxwell said, “Men's and nations' finest hour consist of those moments when extraordinary challenge is met by extraordinary response. Hence in those darkest hours, we must light our individual candles rather than vying with others to call attention to the enveloping darkness. Our indignation about injustice should lead to illumination, for if it does not, we are only adding to the despair and the moment of gravest danger is when there is so little light that darkness seems normal.”

Parenting, pt. 1

This is a continuation of our study of The Family: A Proclamation to the World, where we first asked ourselves the questions "Why was it given and how can we use it to guide our thoughts, actions, and conversations?"

Fifteen years ago, an associate professor of family science at BYU made a bold statement when he said, “In LDS theology, God is a family man – a literal parent and an eternal companion.”

I like thinking of our Father in Heaven as a family man, because we know He is, even though we haven’t stated it like that before. We are here on earth to learn how to pattern our lives after our Father and His Son, Jesus Christ. We’ve been given the instructions on how to do that in the scriptures and in the Family Proclamation.

In speaking of the proclamation, Henry B. Eyring said, “Because our Father loves his children, he will not leave us to guess about what matters most in this life concerning where our attention could bring happiness or our indifference bring sadness. The proclamation describes our schooling here for family life in the presence of our Eternal Father:

Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. "Children are an heritage of the Lord" (Psalms 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, to teach them to love and serve one another, to observe the commandments of God and to be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations. 
The family is ordained of God. . . Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. 

These words mark the surest foundation for successful marriages and family life. They aren’t a guarantee, but they do show us the safest passage for our families in this life. Elder McConkie said in 1981, “If we do not build our house of salvation on a true foundation, we will never make the spiritual progress that will prepare us to enter God’s loving eternal presence.”

How do we build our homes on a solid foundation of Christ when so much of the world teaches otherwise (and to be honest, when so much of that world looks quite harmless and even desirable, to us)?

President Eyring continues, “The proclamation sets a high hurdle for us to clear when it describes our obligation to teach our children. We are somehow to teach them so that they love one another and serve one another and keep the commandments and are law-abiding citizens. If we think of good families who have not met that test, and few meet it without some degree of failure over a generation or two, we could lose heart. We cannot control what others choose to do, and so we cannot force our children to heaven, but we can determine what we will do. And we can decide that we will do all that we can to bring down the powers of heaven into that family we want so much to have forever.”

When Elder Warren G. Tate spoke at our January 6th Stake Conference he said, “We need to mend some fences, ask for forgiveness, weed our own gardens of things that keep us from enjoying the things of the Spirit, and extend ourselves in love to those around us. We need to connect with our children and grandchildren. Do everything we can to shore up our children and bless them.”

We won’t always know what to do or how to do it, but we know that it is important to try and when we try, we receive inspiration: “…If ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon [the] words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words [Book of Mormon, Alma 32:27.]

Imperfect parents

The trouble with parenting is that we aren't perfect. But maybe that's how it's supposed to be...
Elders Maynes' and Elder Robbins' general conference talks got me reviewing my years as a mother to three girls; I feel truly uncomfortable as I remember some of the times I didn't do very well. Sometimes when I look at their childhood pictures I search their faces and think "Oh, I hope you were happy!" In spite of my weaknesses, my daughters have become wonderful adults.
My favorite author, M. Catherine Thomas, talks about all of this in her essay "Love and Fear." She asks, "How may a woman who fears that she has made serious mistakes with her children, or maybe with anyone she has loved, enter into the rest of the Lord?"

Whether you read this from the perspective of an imperfect parent or as a child with imperfect parents, some of the peaceful answers she has found are most enlightening:

• Each parent brings to her parenting personal weaknesses which will provide opposition for her children. Although we do not want to be the source of even a part of our children's opposition, most of us are, in one way or another. That is a sobering observation, though not surprising. But...God knew ahead of time the failings, the confusions, misunderstandings, weaknesses, and spiritual infirmities of each of his children. [Then] he prepared our personal gospel plan, allowing the experiences of mortality, but at the same time provid[ing] certain compensations and blessings and talents which would present themselves as we struggled with the opposition along life's path.

• Children's personalities are not initially created by their parents; they have their own unique personality chemistry, which they bring from the premortal life. Much of this peronality formation exists beyond the parents' control. As children grow, they gradually become responsible for what they do with the opposition in their lives. Although children are born to imperfect or even emotionally sick parents, they have access to divine resources to help them overcome and benefit from their imperfect environment. They may have counterbalancing spiritual gifts, character traits, special blessings, or solutions that will present themselves on life's path again and again as they grow. The children then gradually become responsible to partake of those solutions that the Savior offers them individually.

• No mother, not even a sick mother, can deprive her child of the celestial kingdom. A person's exaltation is ultimately his own responsibility, not his mother's. We must avoid thinking that our children's salvation rests solely on us. We are but one component in a multifaceted plan.

• With all our hearts we do not want to be the cause of suffering for our child; but where suffering is inevitable, we find solace in the knowledge that all people must suffer in order to learn life's greatest teachings. People have a right, even a need, to suffer. Suffering will often propel us to God, where we learn life's most precious mysteries. We may forever try to get between our children and their painful experiences, whether we created the pain or not. But there are some lessons that only pain can teach, and for us to try to remove all pain...is beyond our stewardship and control.

• Mothers can learn that love must be governed by intelligence, patience, and faith, not anxious emotion. Overanxiety can block the Spirit. We do not perfect others with our fear, or even with our love. Perhaps I have liked thinking that my anxiety was a measure of my spiritual sensitivity or my love, but I have had to admit that really it was either neurosis or lack of faith, or both.

It has helped me a lot to read these words - imagine, a woman like Catherine Thomas feeling how I feel :) I also value what Elder Robbins' said at the end of his talk about our effort to develop Christlike attributes: "When your children or others feel of your love and see your behavior, it will remind them of the Savior and draw them to Him."